Who Pays
By BetsyG
I was on a date with a guy I’d met online. While I prefer a cup of coffee or a walk for a first meeting, this guy said, “I’d like to take you out to dinner.”
I knew from the moment I met him that we were not a match, but we muddled through the meal. When the check came, I didn’t so much as make a move toward my wallet. He paid the check what appeared to be reluctantly.
I could imagine him afterward complaining to his friends.
“She should have at least offered! She should have at least done the reach.”
He may think so, but I have some pretty firm rules on such matters. If you want a girl to “at least offer” to pay, be careful with your words. “I’d like to take you to dinner” means that you are paying.
I’m sure the whole paying thing is stressful on the man, for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which is the stress on the wallet. But the politics surrounding who pays can be surprisingly stressful on the woman. Sometimes it’s not clear if you should “at least offer” or if that would be an insult. I do do the reach in these situations, but I feel very awkward about it, as if I am moving in slow motion and the wallet has become a gigantic, Dali-esque thing dominating the room.
I think I’ve gotten better about this post divorce. Even if chemistry appears to be evident, if the arrangements were made by mutual agreement, I confidently pull out my wallet with every intention of paying my share. The guy’s reaction is telling. If he picks up the check and says, “Your half was 17 dollars,” clearly he’s not interested. Even after feminism, no man in my age range would dream of letting a woman pay on a first date if he wanted to see her again. Frankly, most men wouldn’t let a woman pay either way unless he wanted to send a clear signal that romance had never been part of the picture.
Even when the guy’s already declared in some way that he’s paying, there can still be some awkwardness depending on how he’s made this declaration. If he simply picks up the check and starts fishing for his wallet, mumbling, “I’ve got this,” I still feel inept, as if I should have pushed harder. I prefer it when the man puts the kibosh on my cash immediately and firmly. As soon as the check arrives, he says, “My treat,” or some such thing that says he wishes to pay, whether or not the chemistry was there. I remember my ex used these words on our first date and I liked it. That was 20 years ago, in case you’re wondering whether women make note of and remember such things…
The cleverest way of dealing with the check, though, happened with a guy named Rick who I met for a walk. After walking for a while, he determined he was hungry and asked if I wanted to have some dinner. I knew I wasn’t interested in the guy, and I think he knew I wasn’t interested in him, but I was hungry and it was dinner time, so I said sure. Definitely a muddy situation in terms of paying.
Before the check came, I had to use the ladies’ room. When I returned, the check had come and gone. When I told a friend about this—one who is not comfortable with people treating—she said I should have said something or offered to pay. But why? Clearly he had called for the check as soon as I left the table and intentionally completed the transaction just so I wouldn’t feel obliged to offer. Why ruin a beautiful thing?
While dinner can cause confusion, I have strong feelings on who pays for coffee dates. Logically, it’s a Dutch treat situation; such meetings are almost always by mutual agreement. But the beauty of a coffee date is it’s cheap; in the off chance that the date will go well, I think the guy should always offer to pay. (There’s an easy way to do this, too: he puts his body slightly ahead of hers—you’re generally standing at a counter—and says, “What can I get you?”) Because for the cost—what, three dollars?—he’s buying a first impression.
Why does it matter, if it doesn’t work out? I can report to you the men who didn’t pay for my coffee. And that’s not a good way to be remembered.
December 30th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Totally agree Betsy, when I first started Internet dating, my rule was that if they were interested (I *never* did dinner – didn’t want to get stuck for an hour and a half with someone boring me to pieces) then they paid. I’d been out to many dates where they had all paid, until one guy said ‘um you know the rules on this dating site are dutch treat for the first date’ (I’d had no idea, I hadn’t read the fine print) – he’d already said he wanted to see me again (not me, no way) but that put the nail in HIS coffin… At my age, I find it pretty offensive for a guy (unless he’s unemployed) to ask me to pay for a coffee, especially if he wants to see me again ! I mean, what is he thinking??
December 30th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Hey, I dated a guy who was all but unemployed, and he paid. We went Dutch , took turns, or I bought ingredients to make dinner at home once we started dating, but on that first meeting, he did the smart thing.
December 30th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
[...] Monday, I leaned over from my bed, picked up my laptop off the floor, and worked the draft I had of Who Pays into something I thought hung together reasonably well, even if it wasn’t my best [...]
December 31st, 2008 at 1:25 am
Well Betsy, I guess that guy was pretty damned smart ! you just never know do you ?
December 31st, 2008 at 6:37 am
The funny thing is, he was pretty thick, but I think the desire to “mate” must have done something funny to his brain that day. It’s amazing how biological urges can transform a person.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Hey – great piece….so true – as a woman I also hate the akwardness of dealing with the check! I always offer to pay my half…but I agree, if he specifically asks you to dinner he really should be paying if it’s a date. Where I’m from what the waiter/waitress usually does is ask whether that will all be on one check, or whether it will be one check or two. On a recent date I noticed she asked the man I was with directly….’will that be one check or two?’ That is also akward, should I speak up loudly “two please”? Look at him and give him a second to see what he says and then wonder if he felt put on the spot?
I did once have a guy pull the ‘pay the bill while you’re in the bathroom’ magic and it was rather cool of him, I assume if he goes to that much effort he must have really wanted to pay.
Coffee date is a whole other thing, I often pay for my own but like the whole ‘what can I get you?’. Coffee dates are my favorites for a first date because I don’t feel like it was such a waste of time or money for either of us if doesn’t work out and I don’t feel akward about the paying thing.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Ew, I would hate the one check or two question! That is not done here; even when you’re with a bunch of girlfriends, you’d have to ask for separate checks at most places.
Thanks for reading and commenting!
January 10th, 2009 at 11:18 pm
Really? I don’t mind it. It comes in handy when you’re with a group of friends because it’s a heck of a lot easier than trying to figure out who owes what. Where you’re from are you always given one check unless you ask for separate checks?
January 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am
It may be an age thing. I’m in the Boston (MA) area. When out with a group, unless there was a big disparity in checks, it’s usually divided evenly. When the check comes, we just drop our charge cards onto the bill and say, “split it.” But you can certainly get separate checks if you want them. It’s easier for the restaurant to give one check, so that’s their default practice.