The BetsyG Spot, http://www.thebetsygspot.com
I’d like to share some truisms about relationships. I borrowed a couple of famous quotes, but the rest are mine—some invented right on the spot even. You may notice they tend to take the woman’s point of view, but that’s because I know women a whole lot better than I know men.
When I refer to husbands and wives, that’s just shorthand for “partner in a committed relationship.” Disagree with any of these? Go ahead; prove me wrong. Or send me some original truisms of your own, especially from the male perspective.
Let’s start with the most relevant truism of all:
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably, they are both disappointed.
I hadn’t realized until I googled it for the correct wording that Albert Einstein was responsible for this—so says the Internet. I knew he was smart. Here’s another one of his:
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity.
The man sure understood men and women. Here are some of mine, roughly grouped according to topic.
- If your husband suddenly wants less sex, he’s cheating.
- If your husband suddenly wants more sex, he’s cheating.
- Kissing is cheating.
- Kissing with shirts off is definitely cheating. And stop saying it isn’t.
- Cheating on a boyfriend or girlfriend is stupidity of the highest order. Just break up, you idiot.
- It’s possible for a marriage to survive one—but only one—incident of adultery. Falling once may be an accident; falling twice is a pattern.
- Your partner’s libido may increase or decrease, but don’t bank on it doing either.
- The strength of a relationship is directly proportional to the compatibility of the libidos.
- If she stops kissing you hello at the end of the work day or goodnight before you turn over to go to sleep, take it as a sign.
- If your wife stops having sex with you, things are worse than you think.
On the other hand, if your husband stops having sex with you, I don’t know what that means. Fill me in, guys. I don’t know everything.
Flowers and gifts
- All women want flowers.
- If a woman says she doesn’t want flowers, get her a flowering plant for her garden, or donate a tree to replenish the rainforest in her name. Women like things that photosynthesize.
- Don’t give flowers too often; you’ll look like a wuss.
- Don’t give flowers once and never give them again; she’ll wonder why you don’t bring her flowers anymore. Don’t ever let your woman wonder.
- Not everyone likes red roses on Valentine’s Day; some are more annoyed than pleased by the obviousness of the gesture. Be damned sure you get it right, though.
- If she says all she wants for Valentine’s Day is a card, you’d better get her that card.
- Bring her flowers when thinking about her makes you smile stupidly at an inappropriate time. If that never happens, it’s time to break up.
- Flowers are not duct tape. They won’t fix everything.
- Give a woman what she wants, not what you want her to have.
Ramdom sex and relationship truisms
- Don’t ever tell her which one of her friends you’d like to involve in a threesome.
- Never say “thank you” after a sex act unless you are paying for it. If you do, she will tell her friends, and they will all laugh at you. Forever.
- Size does matter.
- If there’s something you want in bed, ask for it, or you surely won’t get it. As we say to the children, “Use your words.”
- Men are visual creatures; they only want to be with women who are fit and attractive.
- Men are sexual creatures; they don’t care what a woman looks like as long as they can find the hole.
- If your wife suddenly wants more sex, you’re doing something right.
- If your wife suddenly wants less sex, ask questions. There’s a reason, and I’m afraid I can’t tell you what it is.
- If your marriage is like the leaning tower of Pisa, having a baby will not make it right; it’ll push it over. Fast.
- Staying in your marriage for the sake of the children is robbing Peter to pay Paul. You’re Peter, by the way, and Paul will never appreciate it.
- A disagreement that ends with an apology or compromise is forgotten or becomes something to laugh about later. A disagreement without closure becomes a festering boil…and it’ll leave a scar.
- If she’d rather clean the house than have sex with you, clean the toilets or hire a maid. She’ll have a whole new attitude when she gets into bed with you.
And here’s one more, if you’re a guy trying to navigate the dating waters:
- Jewish women are not frigid.