The BetsyG-Spot

On Wednesday, I wrote my woeful piece on the anxiety surrounding my son’s echocardiogram. (No news on that yet, by the way. It’s maddening, and there’s no good reason for it.) It now seems a bit self-indulgent, but that’s how I was feeling at the time. I can talk myself into the notion that I am alone—and on some level, it’s not completely untrue—but in fact I am very blessed to have many wonderful friends who are with me at times like this, if not bodily, then in spirt. I’ve been offered support by friends I’ve known for a few months, a few years, and many years; it has really bolstered me.

So, of course, I am not alone, except when I choose to be, and sometimes that’s during the hard times, because that’s just how I am. But I knew after I finished writing my Wednesday post that I was so wrong to say there was no one to hold my hand.

Interestingly, the ending of Echoes of Anxiety came to me as I was writing. The idea of Matthew’s strength being something to hold on to actually helped me stay much calmer during the procedure and as we’ve been waiting for the results that we should have had before we walked out of the clinic.

Atonement
Today was Yom Kippur and I spent it in what is becoming the traditional way. The time between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is one of reflection; Yom Kippur is the culmination of all that reflection and the time to atone for your sins. (BTW, don’t look to me as an authority on Judaism; I’m hardly a rabbinic student.) It’s a time to learn from the past, wipe the slate clean, and think about how you will do better in the coming year, similar to what you do at the new year on the roman calendar.

This year has not been one in which moral sin was at the fore. I’m not saying I’ve been perfect (there are certain things I know I should do differently but also know I don’t really want to, so I won’t), but I’ve been so busy working and dealing with life’s traumas, I haven’t really had the time to do damage to anyone. (Oh, but what sins I could have committed if I’d only had the time!) This stands in stark contrast to last year when I was consumed with the toxic relationships I finally severed by quitting my band. At this time last year, I had such loathing for myself for letting the nastiness of that situation take me over and fill me with such ill will.

But that is in the past and I’m glad to be free of that persistent negativity.

This year, my biggest sin has been working too much. One of the problems that sprouts from too much work is that I’ve let so many things in my life spiral out of control. My first priority is the kids—getting them clothed, fed, to school, to and from activities, entertained, to doctors, dentists, orthodontists, oral surgeons, etc. None of that can slide. My second priority is everything else, which includes me, my pets, my car, and my house. (Admittedly, my weekend social life is at the the top of the secondary list, or perhaps even somewhere in the primary list.)

So today, rather than going to temple, I spent the time pulling as much as I could of the “rest of it” into order. I made an appointment for the cat to see the vet for his annual physical, made a follow-up gynecology appointment for me that I should have had two months ago, took pictures of the furniture I need to sell, did three loads of laundry, took the size 10s out of Alex’s dresser and put the size 12s in, cleaned the entire house but for some vaccuuming (for once enlisted my children to help, which is another thing I need to do more of), and even rearranged furniture. (I’m afraid in studying the current configuration of my living room, I decided I needed to replace the curio cabinet, so there’s another piece to sell…and buy. And, no—overactive consumerism is not one of my sins.) I still have a ton to do, but this puts me in a good position to tackle the rest of it.

My main “resolution” for the new year is to get on top of it, and stay on top. And I hope that by this time next year, maybe I’ll have cleaned out my closet. I’m really starting to doubt I’ll be wearing those clothes from the ’80s any time soon. Stay tuned for that.

I’m afraid you’re reading the ramblings of a pretty burnt-out writer, but one who will at least be sleeping on clean sheets tonight.

Have a great long weekend. Tune in Monday for my regular Sex in the Suburbs post. And, as always, thanks for ready.