Something happens to a woman’s behind when she gets older. The age varies, but at some point the ass, formerly two firm orbs, falls. What’s left at the end of this process (and honestly, I don’t know if it takes a day, a month, a year, or a decade) is a flat ass. The mommy ass.
You know what I’m talking about. Something about this shape just makes you think, “Oh, that’s a mommy. You can tell by her flat ass.”
Is it from pregnancy? Or gravity? I’ve never done a survey of butts to see if this happens only to women who are biologically mothers. All I know is that the mommy ass is something I want about as much as I want the mommy haircut. (And the mommy haircut is second only to Joan of Arc’s in my book. Just put me in the ground if you ever see me with the milk-and-cookies hairdo.)
Unfortunately, the mommy ass is not something you can prevent or reverse with exercise. I’m pretty sure that the only way to undo it involves a scalpel and a couple of bags of silicone.
The flattening of the ass seems also to come with a widening of the hips, so really the result is a wide, flat ass. Not attractive. I think about evolution quite a bit and why certain things happen. Why is Sex Fun? by Jared Diamond is an interesting read on this topic. For example, he talks about the fact that the menstrual cycles of women who spend time with each other tend to synchronize. This adaptation probably developed so that no one female in a tribe was the most desirable during ovulation, and all were unavailable at the same time. With everyone giving off pheromones, each woman had about the same chance of attracting a man and getting pregnant. Plus, no one woman was the bitch in heat, so to speak, with men fighting each other to be the one to inseminate her. Good for everyone. Good for procreation.
When you think about things this way, you have to wonder what the flat ass is about. There must be an allure in the rounded buns of youth, something that makes men want to reach out and grab them with, of course, procreation in mind. That’s what we’re about, after all. So the curvy butt says, “Please have sex with me; I want to have your baby.” Conversely, I’m afraid the flat ass says, “I’m already a mother. Too late for you. ” Or maybe it signals that you’re too old for any of that. Either way, the mommy ass does not say, “Procreate with me.”
Since I’ve had kids, I’ve wondered and worried about when my butt will fall. Over the past ten years or so that I’ve been anticipating it with dread, I’ve been relieved every time I’ve seen my buns in the mirror, right up where they’re supposed to be. I’ve definitely had a butt into my 40s; I’ve the pictures to prove it.
But the other day, I was in front of the mirror trying on some new pants after my recent weight loss, and I turned sideways. Picture the poor victim bitten by a vampire who looks for her reflection only to see…nothing. Thus it was with my butt. Gone.
I had hoped it was the pants, which did have a bit of a soccer-mom cut to them. But each day that I put on a different pair of pants, it was the same thing. Plus I’ve noticed a sad sag to my pants where my derriere should be filling them out.
So, I’m afraid it’s happened; I’ve been tagged with one of the many undeniable signs of aging that will all catch up with me eventually. From gray hair to the gizzard neck, it’s inevitable, though I’ll try to outrun them as best I can.
Unfortunately, even all that running will not bring my butt back.
What do you think? Mommy ass?
Do you have Mommy Ass? Tell me about it, send me pictures, link to a video.
(That awesome song is from the Broadway show: The Full Monty. Great musical that somehow got lost in the shuffle. It does the movie one better.)