The BetsyG-Spot

In a shocking turn of events, Mr. S broke up with me on Tuesday night.

I’m disappointed, as I really did like him. He is a good man, someone I will not skewer in these pages, though perhaps some of his behavior over the last few weeks is skewer-worthy. There was a wall between us, one that prevented any real connection from developing or from staying in place when we weren’t together. And I guess the difference between our approach to the relationship was that I was in no rush to take the relationship anywhere and was willing to take down that wall over time—to at least try. I really did want to. I really did. And he apparently had a better view of the future and already must have known his feelings for me weren’t strong enough to make the effort. That’s unfortunate.

I feel a bit blindsided because I thought he had strong feelings for me, though he was showing less and less evidence of that. The initial enthusiasm seemed to be waning, and I have found in a successful relationship that the enthusiasm instead grows as you get to know each other. That was clearly not happening, and I felt bad about it which might have made me come across as a needy nag. That’s what happens when I don’t feel secure, which I told him. I guess when I find I am acting needy—or start holding back because the outreach is starting to feel one-sided—it’s time to get out, because my acting that way is a sure indicator of a problem with the relationship, and it’s apparently fatal.

Two Sundays ago, when I didn’t hear from him all day, I found myself weeping very hard and painful tears when I got into bed. The lack of contact was a statement: he didn’t care about me enough to take a minute from his (weekend) day to say hello. Busy is busy, but when you care, you check in with a person and let them know you are thinking of them. It had become more evident that when he wasn’t with me, he wasn’t thinking of me.

Still, I’m shocked because we just came off a nice weekend with no evidence that a breakup was imminent, but emotionally I’m not truly surprised. It’s always hard to imagine that I wasn’t enthralling enough to hold someone’s attention, but that was apparently the case here. That’s a blow, especially when you are so sure the other person had deep feelings for you, as I was, and I was wrong. I guess I don’t really know him very well, but I knew enough about him, and cared enough about him, and was happy enough with when I was with him to want to know him better, to find the real person I knew was in there. But maybe the fact that he couldn’t be himself with me was an indicator of our differences.

Anyhow, he’s a good man, and I bear no animosity, even for the confusing coolness over the last few weeks—well, not much animosity at least. It’s hard not to be a little angry when someone drops you without warning following what appeared to be very lovely times together. It makes me wonder what was real. But I don’t think he knew how to behave any other way. I am sad; there was a degree of magic between us, but the wall was not going to come down if he didn’t want it to. Most of all, I will miss him. He was good, easy company, and a support at a time I needed him. I don’t see a continued friendship, not now at least. There’s not enough trust between us.

I guess, ultimately, I wish he had felt enough for me to make a real effort, for Tuesday’s phone call to have been a start of a discussion, not an end of the relationship. But if the feeling’s not there, what’s the point.

Just another leaf for the wish tree in my backyard.

I hope I have maintained the ethic he and I spoke about in not writing personal things that would hurt or embarrass him or about the things that are private between us. I’ve done my best on that, and that’s all I can ever do.