Not feeling super great today. My health is fine, but after what would have looked to any normal human being like a very stressful two weeks, it is finally (perhaps?) catching up with me.
For reasons unknown, I am incredibly calm in a crisis. When my son had liver failure and I called my mother-in-law to tell her he would almost certainly die without a transplant, I was so calm about it she didn’t even realize how seriously ill he was. This comes naturally, and I think people either are this way or they aren’t. It’s not an acquired skill, and it’s nothing to be proud of or ashamed of, either way. But it’s good to know. You want me on your lifeboat.
The last two weeks have been stressful, with my father in the hospital and then rehab and my mother with me. This week my father unexpectedly ended up in the hospital with a cardiac issue—the day after getting out of rehab. Then my 11-year-old developed a cold, which meant my mother couldn’t stay with us. Incidentally, they closed my son’s school for today because of confirmed cases of H1N1 flu in his school building. Just how ducky would that be, for my mother and my father to develop that?
Today everything has settled down. My parents are both home, my son is on the mend and does not appear to have any form of the flu. But I am feeling worse today than I have in the past two weeks. Very anxious. I have a lot of work to do, too, which isn’t helping.
I don’t mean to be such a drag. The weekend is looking good. Spontaneously having my college crowd over on Saturday, which will be nice because several of us have had stressful events recently and I think some time together will be helpful—that and a few bottles of wine. Sunday Alex has baseball games. That has actually been a real drag because the team is poorly coached and losing every game and stupidly. Plus Alex is not getting the pitching time he was promised when I spent $1500 to put him in this league. Apart from a few skills, he is not developing at all this spring. I can feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. Definitely an anxiety contributor.
I wish I was better at letting things go. There is nothing to be done for the baseball situation. No amount of complaining will help. It’s so much worse than that, but I am trying very hard to keep the toxicity level down so am avoiding talking about it. The last time I felt this much distress was when I was having problems with a member of my ex-band. The worst thing about it was how toxic I felt. It is really not like me to be negative and complaining. I tend to look for the best in a situation and in people (to a fault!) and don’t cope well when people don’t behave according to my standards of human behavior. None of us is perfect, but consideration for the other person is something I value very highly. How do my actions affect others? Am I being hurtful? Necessarily hurtful? Accidentally hurtful? Sometimes it can’t be helped. But there is little I do that I do without thinking about its impact on others, and I guess if there were one trait I would like everyone to have, it is that one. And that includes things as stupid as not blocking traffic when picking up your kids in the traffic circle at the school. That gets me as much for its selfishness as it does for the inconvenience.
Sometimes I wish I were more selfish in that regard. I think selfish people do better in life. It may not be that they don’t have a conscious; they are not bad people. It may instead be that they simply don’t see others. You can’t feel bad for hurting something you don’t see.
There is my moral rant fo the week. I wish my affect were a bit more positive today; I don’t like writing for you when I feel like this. But maybe it’ll bring my blood pressure down. In truth, this mood got kicked off when someone asked me to do something and could I possibly turn it around today. The request arrived at 1:30 on a day I don’t work. It is the sort of thing I know I have to be pleasant about but it pisses me off. I have to eat it emotionally (although I did explain that no, I could not turn it around today). But really, by this age I should be used to such things. Grow up, BetsyG! Move on!
That is it for today. I may not post my Sex in the Suburbs post until Tuesday given the holiday weekend. Have a memorable weekend, and thanks for reading.